


When Memory Fails

by ErRose



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Memory Loss, One Shot, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 21:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17989205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErRose/pseuds/ErRose
Summary: Kirk is planetside for a diplomatic dinner and is kidnapped, and doesn’t know what they did to him. When he gets back, he feels mostly normal, but has a hard time distinguishing dreams and fantasies from memories and is very frustrated that Spock, his boyfriend, has seemingly stopped loving him.





	When Memory Fails

_Captain’s log- Stardate…_  
He hesitated- trying to remember the stardate without looking at the chronometer. He paced his quarters for a few moments wringing his hands together before sighing and stealing a glance at the number display. He started over.  
_Captain’s log- Stardate 2318.7_  
My memory from the away mission is spotty for reasons I cannot yet explain. Doctor McCoy ran every test that is available to him once he was informed of what occurred planetside. Not that any of us even know what actually happened. My memory of the events is as follows.  
_Mr. Spock and I beamed to the planet’s surface with a small security detail. It was supposed to be nothing more than a diplomatic dinner. We met with the governor and several other leaders. After the meal, I was asked for a private word by the deputy governor. Spock was hesitant to let me go alone, but they insisted that I be alone and I assured Spock it would be fine. He let go of my hand… Or no that’s not right… His hand was on my forearm- trying to gently hold me back. But he let me go._  
He stopped and contemplated his hand where he could almost feel the ghost of Spock’s entwined in his own. But that wasn’t the way it happened. He was sure. Spock’s hand was gently restraining, not holding. He shook his head and continued.  
_This is where it starts getting fuzzy. I followed him into another room and we spoke for a few minutes. I don’t remember what about, but it was just small talk. Then… then nothing. I blacked out I guess because the next thing I remember is Spock carrying me like a child. I still only have glimpses of memory here and there until I woke up in sickbay with McCoy fretting over me. Spock wasn’t there when I woke, which I thought strange, but Doctor McCoy seemed unconcerned and told me that he was on the bridge. Doctor McCoy’s medical log should fill in the gaps where my health is concerned._  
He switched off the log and continued his pacing. He had felt off ever since getting back to the ship, as if his brain was just a little bit wrong. A lot of memories seemed fuzzy and discolored. Bones told him that his tests had all come back normal, but he decided he would go back after the next shift to see if there was any other tests he could run- just to make sure.  
Alpha shift would be over in just a few minutes, so he just decided to stay in his quarters and wait for Spock. They had never given a name to their relationship, and the term ‘boyfriend’ seemed to trivial for what they felt for each other; but he loved him so deeply it hurt and he couldn’t imagine a life where Spock didn’t love him back. He used that love as an anchor to attach him to reality- to keep himself from drifting away into the sea of lost memory and anger at the people responsible.  
He hummed as he set up the chess board and picked up a book to pass the time. Eventually, his door chimed and he allowed Spock entrance. He was sure that his face lit up at the sight of Spock, but he didn’t care. In the privacy of his quarters, he could allow his adoration to shine through his eyes without shame or worry. McCoy told him that he had been unconscious for three days and even though he couldn’t remember any of it, it felt as if it had been weeks since he last saw the Vulcan. He wanted to throw his arms around his neck and pull him close, but the door hadn’t yet closed, and they had to keep their relationship to themselves for now. When the door finally closed, Spock stood still, hands clasped behind his back. His stillness felt like a punch in the gut. He knew his face was still a little swollen and red from all the medications Bones had injected into him in the last three days, but he couldn’t believe that Spock would be so repulsed by him that he wouldn’t even embrace him after such a long absence.  
“I attempted to check on you in sickbay after shift, but Doctor McCoy informed me that he discharged you earlier today. I trust you are doing better, Captain.” He could hear the concern in his voice, so the pain in Jim’s chest eased a little. At least he still cared.  
“Yes, Mr. Spock, I’m feeling much better. I woke up this morning, but Bones didn’t want you to leave the bridge when he still had tests to run and you would just be, and I quote, ‘hovering like a bee on a flower and getting in the way’. And I would have told you myself when he let me leave, but I only just finished my log of the away mission and I figured you would be here soon enough,” he smiled and gestured for Spock to sit at the small table where he had set up the chess board. They sat across from each other and Spock (very professionally) filled Jim in on the events of the days when he was out of commission.  
Starfleet had sent someone to investigate Rovon II and hold someone responsible for the attempted kidnapping of a starfleet captain and determine what had actually been done. When Jim asked why the _Enterprise_ hadn’t simply stayed and done the investigation themselves, Spock was suddenly very interested in the knight he was about to move. He kept his eyes on the small glass horse as he explained that they left because no one was sure what was wrong with Jim. They wanted to get him to a starbase as soon as possible, and they were still a few days away from the closest one.  
“I advise that we continue our heading to the starbase, even with your apparent improvement. We still do not know what caused your illness. The doctor is doing all he can, but a starbase will have more resources,”  
“Of course, Mr. Spock,” He let his fingers gently brush Spocks, only to have Spock pull his hand back. Jim felt like his chest was caving in on itself. What had happened in those few days that made him so repulsive to this man who had so recently claimed to love him?  
They finished their game and Spock retired to his own quarters. Even after the way Spock had brushed him off time and again during their game, he was hurt once again when he watched the door close, shutting Spock out of the room. He thought that Spock would spend the night with him. They often spent the night together, but especially after a mission when one or both of them had been in danger of not making it back.  
He crumpled into bed alone and allowed the tears to come. He racked his brain for shreds of memory, things that might have happened when he was conscious, but not lucid. Anything he may have said or done to upset Spock- but Spock was too logical to not understand that anything he would have said in that state wasn’t really him. He made the decision to ask Bones if he heard him say anything that could have caused this. By the time he had cried himself dry, he was exhausted. He remembered a time when Spock had held him through one such bout of emotions. Even if he did find them distasteful, he always allowed Jim to feel them thoroughly. He fell into a restless sleep with the ghost of Spock’s arms wrapped around him.  
When he woke, he was thrilled to see that the swelling in his face had gone down, replaced only by slight bags under his eyes from his poor night’s sleep. Maybe with his face closer to normal, Spock wouldn’t be so repulsed by him. He got ready for the day and by pure coincidence, he and Spock left their quarters at the same time. They said their good mornings and lapsed into the comfortable silence that had become so normal for them. Jim had always loved these moments, but now he felt as though he needed to say something. But anything he would want to say couldn’t be heard by any of the crew who were wandering the corridor. The turbolift was blessedly empty when they stepped in, but Jim still didn’t know where to start. There was so much he wanted to say and not even a minute to say it. He settled for brushing their knuckles together, a gesture he often used in more public spaces. Innocent enough, an accident even, to an onlooker, but Jim and Spock both knew it meant so much more.  
But he pulled away again, clasped his hands behind his back in his usual parade rest without even looking in Jim’s direction. He had no time to react, no time to show how distraught he was, because the turbolift doors opened to the bridge where the crew all welcomed him back with eager smiles. They, at least, were happy to see him feeling better.  
He followed Spock’s advice and kept in route to the nearest starbase. His memory failing wasn’t an immediate danger, but it wasn’t something he wanted to allow to worsen due to negligence. Perhaps Spock had noticed that something was wrong with his mind and this was why he was suddenly uninterested in being with Jim. Someone as brilliant as Spock couldn’t possibly spend a lifetime with a man could couldn’t even remember the stardate. He suddenly decided that couldn’t wait for shift to end.  
“Mr. Spock you have the con,”  
“Aye, Captain,” As the doors closed Jim saw Spock looking at him with his eyebrows furrowed slightly.  
When McCoy saw him, he face dropped into one of deep concern- Jim didn’t often come into sickbay willingly. He asked Nurse Chapel to finish with the crewman he had been fixing up and came up to Jim.  
“Bones is there any way you missed something? My memory is just as bad as ever. Nothing has come back from the away mission,”  
“Well if we’re still on our way to Starbase 16, they’ll have more resources. We can run some more tests when we get there. But for now you just need to be patient,”  
“I’m just worried. I don’t like not being able to trust my own mind,”  
“I know, Jim. I’m worried too. But I’ve done all I can until we get to the starbase. I’m sure Spock wouldn’t mind taking command until we get there if you think rest will be better for you,”  
“Spock is the real problem,” he muttered while turning away, pacing farther into the room.  
“Now what does that mean?”  
He didn’t answer. Bones wasn’t supposed to know.  
“Jim if you want my help, I need to know the whole situation,”  
“Did I say anything while I was knocked out? Anything at all,”  
“You mumbled nonsense sometimes, but most of the time it wasn’t even words. Just random syllables strung together. Why?”  
“But there _was_ a time when I actually said something? What did I say? And to whom?”  
“Yes. At one point you kept mumbling ‘I love you’ at no one in particular. Why is this so important all of a sudden?”  
“Why would that upset him? Maybe a little if you heard me, but not enough to make him hate me like this,” He wasn’t even talking to Bones anymore. He was trying to solve this puzzle, trying to find what had gone so horribly wrong.  
McCoy watched him pace for a moment before interrupting his muttering by saying with a gentleness he didn’t usually employ, “Whatever is going on with you and Spock, you need to talk to him about it. You know how he is. He’s not going to get it if you just hint that something is wrong,”  
“Maybe you’re right, Bones. Thank you,”  
“And hey, if you need some more moral support tonight, I’ve got a bottle of that brandy you like,”  
Jim grinned at his old friend and was overwhelmed with gratitude. Without his constant support and care, Jim was sure he would not be where he is today. He returned to the bridge and allowed the shift to pass slowly. It was torture, but he used the time to try to frame what he would say to Spock when they were finally alone. Even worse was when the shift finally ended and instead of going back to his quarters, Spock wanted to check on an experiment in one of the labs. Jim went back to his quarters and paced restlessly, waiting. When he heard movement from Spock’s room next door, he couldn’t stop his feet and was suddenly outside of Spock’s door. He didn’t even use the chime, he pounded his fist on the door trying to vent some of his frustration. Before his fist made contact with the door for a third time, the door slid open with Spock on the other side, one eyebrow raised high.  
“Captain,” the word was a greeting and a question and so much more in just two syllables.  
“You used to call me Jim sometimes,” he muttered as he let himself into the room and sat on Spock’s bed while Spock stood nearby.  
“Jim,” he amended, “Is something troubling you?”  
He looked up into those dark eyes that only softened like that for Jim. There was a concern there that he had only seen on a few occasions.  
“What happened?” Jim finally answered, choking on the emotion in his own voice.  
“I do not know what you are referring to,”  
“With,” he paused with tears spilling down his face, not believing that Spock, with all that logicin his head, couldn’t figure out what he meant, “With us, Spock. I don’t know if I did or said something while I was unconscious or what, but you’ve been so different with me, especially when we’re in private. I know my brain isn’t what it usually is, but that should be fixed soon. I’ll be back to normal. I just need to know you’ll love me again when I am,”  
Spock didn’t move, didn’t blink. Jim had never seen him display such genuine shock.  
“Please, Spock,” he whispered with his eyes closed, “I just want to know that we will eventually get back to our normal. Back to when you stayed the night in my quarters, and brushed your hand against mine when we were in public,”  
“Jim, we-” he cut himself off, still trying to process Jim’s words, “We never did those things, Jim. I think… I think you need to visit Doctor McCoy again,”  
“If you can’t love me, please don’t make me feel like I’ve gone crazy. Just tell me. I know my memory hasn’t been perfect lately, but I have been holding onto these memories from the moment I woke up in sickbay. They’ve been like a life raft,”  
They sat in a heavy silence for a long time- or perhaps it was only a moment, Jim couldn’t tell minutes from hours in the void that seemed to have opened up and consumed his heart. Eventually however, Spock walked to the bed, and slowly lowered himself to sit next to Jim as if afraid to startle him, and began to stretch his hand out in between them.  
“Jim could I,” he stopped and looked at his own hand, trying to figure out how to proceed, “Would you permit me to meld with you? I think you are still suffering from the effects of what happened to you on Rovon II, and perhaps I could see with better clarity from your within mind,”  
Jim did his best to wipe his tears and gave a small nod. He tried to clear the hurt from his head, he didn’t want Spock feeling that. He firmly pressed his fingertips to Jim’s face and his mind was filled with Spock. He had expected Spock’s mind to be well ordered and neat, instead it was a swirl of color and light. During the meld, it was like Jim didn’t exist within his own body. The whole universe was just his mind intermingling with Spock’s. He could feel Spock bringing up memories one by one and almost seeming to sort them.  
When they came out of the meld, their knees had slotted together and Spock’s free hand was between Jim’s. Jim took a moment to come down from the vertigo of ending a meld, but Spock didn’t move except to change his hand from the meld position, to cradle Jim’s cheek. When he felt that Jim was fully back in his own mind, he breathed out “Jim,” and so slowly, leaned into him to gently press their lips together.  
After a few moments, he pulled back. Jim’s cheeks were wet with fresh tears and he looked at Spock, his eyes pleading for an answer. He had felt Spock’s love in the meld, but also his surprise at the memories of himself with Jim as if he didn’t remember them.  
“Those are not memories. I believe them to be dreams or other vivid thoughts you have had. But whatever they injected you with affected your brain and you ability to differentiate memories from… from fantasy,” He was staring at his hand encased in Jim’s. “I think you should see Doctor McCoy again. Perhaps this information will help in your recovery,”  
The wind had been knocked out of Jim. His blood rushed to his face from humiliation.  
“Spock, I… I’m so sorry. I thought-” He couldn’t even finish. Not only had he been throwing himself at Spock, but now he had also seen all of his private fantasies.  
“There is no need for apologies. I have felt things for you as well. Things I did not think would be reciprocated,” he said softly.  
Jim let got of his hand and cupped Spock’s face and brought their lips together again. When they pulled apart Jim rested his forehead against Spock’s.  
“I should probably go see Bones now, huh?” He finally felt like he could breathe again for the first time since coming back on board the _Enterprise_.  
“Affirmative,” Spock whispered, a glint of amusement and something like love in his eyes.  
They walked together back to medbay where Bones grinned and said “I guess you have me to thank for this,” while gesturing to where Jim’s hand rested on Spock’s upper arm.  
Spock calmly explained what had happened, sparing Jim the embarrassment of explaining his fantasies(both the innocent, and the not so innocent). Bones was still concerned, but relieved to have a better idea of what had happened and how to fix it. He poured them all a glass of brandy and Jim toasted to the Rovons. He didn’t appreciate being kidnapped and drugged, but he couldn’t deny that the outcome had been heavily in his favor.

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't come out exactly how I wanted it to, but I'm still pretty happy with it.


End file.
